


A Small Problem in a Big Team

by CandyassGoth



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky is now on the good side, Coulson's fanboy gets possessive, He doesn't remember how to handle himself, It's like Final Destination for Steve, Loki is a suspect, Loki may or may not have tried to see tiny Steve naked, Lots of accidental Steve pain, M/M, Paranoid Coulson, Pre-Serum, Protective Thor, Steve is done, Sudden de-serum of Steve, The Avengers would make horrible parents without a strict training regime, and the team have no idea how to handle him, but he remembers that Steve is his and he has first dibs, he suffers slight lapses in memory concerning his where about, little Steve, so everyone panics and he pays the price
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-27
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-21 00:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1531499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandyassGoth/pseuds/CandyassGoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Steve wakes up in his pre-serum form, and no one knows how to handle it without accidently putting Steve in bandages. Crackish fic.</p><p>
  <em>Clint grunted, then took the turn to lift Steve. He was unconscious, but he had been before he hit the floor. He turned to Tony. “Here.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Take him.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, give him to Natasha.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Stark he weighs less than a beginner’s dumbbell. You’re Iron Man—”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You know I have a thing about being handed stuff.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He’s not ‘stuff’, he’s a person.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah that’s just making it a whole lot weirder. Now get off my back about it before you poop.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re not funny.”</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Small Problem in a Big Team

**Author's Note:**

> I watched Captain America 2 and my Steve x Bucky feels were off the chart and I was determined to write something fluffy but when I sat down to write it turned into PWP crack with a splash of Stucky. And Capsicoul. And Thundershield. Which is as cracky as everything else. Nat and Bruce are the only two mature characters here. Besides Fury.
> 
> May or may not make sense. Who cares it’s aimed at nothing but randomness. 
> 
> Doesn’t contain spoilers other than obviously Bucky is alive.
> 
>  
> 
> _I do not own the characters_

**A Small Problem in a Big Team**

Waking up this particular morning was not on Steve’s priority list. He knew someone would spill the beans on his birth date, and while he knew his team appreciated him, they might go overboard on trying to celebrate the day, especially if they found out last minute by a concerned bystander. No doubt Tony would have ordered in a sea of liquor, a few prostitutes, a few chained-up fangirls, over exaggerated red and blue decorations and a donkey.

The alarm ignored his reasoning and screamed at him until he pushed himself up with a louder groan, and swung his legs out of bed to punish the floor with a good stamp, only to plummet off the side a few miles. He hit the floor with a painful smack, landing on his knees and collapsing on his side with another groan fiercer than the first. Steve blinked away the sleep and fought to find his balance, something he hadn’t needed to do other than when in a heavy physical confrontation. 

He turned back to where he was at least sure the bed was, and looked up to a big blue mountain. 

Steve stared, blankly, then turned mechanically and was about to push to his feet, when he finally saw his body. Knob knees, skinny limbs, and WHAT THE GOOD GRIEF WAS HAPPENING—

A confused cry escaped Steve and he shot up, tripping over his small feet in an effort to reach the bathroom. His arms shot out to balance himself, and he smacked them into the sides of the wall before entering the bathroom. He winced and ran straight to the mirror, knowing this could only be a dream—but how did the mirror get WAY UP _THERE_? Making more stuttering sounds, he panicked and looked down at his body again, but it was still skinny. It was still short. It was still not possible.

Steve looked around in a panic. He spotted his basket of toiletries on the rim of the bath, and rushed to grab the first thing he could. It was the bath salts Coulson had given him for reasons he wasn’t sure he was ready to know. Frantic, he tore off the lid and stuffed his nose into the crystals and inhaled. He immediately choked, and came to the brilliant deduction that this was no dream.

“Steve?” Natasha’s voice echoed from somewhere beyond his room.

Squeaking, Steve dropped the salts on the floor and dashed behind the bathroom door and pulled it open as wide as possible so it squeezed him against the wall. He was so thin he even had a little room to spare. A second later Natasha entered into the doorway of the bathroom and he held his breath with all his might. There was a tickle trying to catch him, but he couldn’t let her catch him, so he clenched his fists as she lingered silently for a few seconds, until she turned and left. 

He couldn’t help reacting, but as soon as her footsteps died down out he exhaled loudly and slammed the door shut and heaved against it, bringing his hands up to stare at them as he started to pant. This couldn’t be happening _this couldn’t be happening_!

Not even two seconds later there was a very loud (or it just seemed extra loud) knock at the door, and Steve jumped away with a shocked cry.

“Rogers? You’re not hiding a dead hooker in there are you? Because if you are I must insist on knowing why you banged her without me.”

It was Tony, Steve wasn’t sure it was better or worse than Natasha. “I’m fine, Tony.” He called as loud and deep as he could. He still sounded he same, but the exaggerated effort made him choke on the tickle and he started coughing, and suddenly he felt the tightness of his chest. _Asthma_ , _**crap**_!

Tony paused while he coughed. “C’mon, what’s up? Got the flu? _Is_ that possible?”

“No, I just—I smelt the bath salts...they’re a bit st-strong this morning.” Steve coughed into his hands, his eyes watering. 

“...You’re sniffing bath salts? You do realise a zombie with your man power could disease half the city in minutes right? Assuming you don’t kill them as you run into them. Not to mention it’d be a hard call to take you down. Even the Hulk might hesitate. Coulson will full on cry.”

“I—I’m okay, Tony.” Steve gasped into a sneeze, and fell against the door. “I’ll be out s-soon.”

“You don’t sound okay.” Tony called, staring at the door. 

He heard Steve cough a little more, then wandered back to where his two fellow Avengers sat in the kitchen. Natasha raised a brow when he entered. “Sounds like he has a cold.” 

“A cold? He can’t get colds.”

“Well he sounds like he’s dying of asphyxiation.” Tony shrugged.

Clint looked up from his cereal. “...Shouldn’t we check up on him? Maybe he inhaled a sock? Don’t you have surveillance in all the rooms?”

“Yes.” Tony held his hands up at Natasha’s warning glare. “Which are only used in emergencies. And not normally in the bathroom. Unless I know Thor went in after Loki.”

“Then let’s get an audio feed.” Natasha suggested.

Tony nod-shrugged and looked up. “JARVIS! Fill us in, what’s going on with Cap?”

“ _He appears to have reverted back to his pre-serum stature. The effects are weighing down on him rather rapidly, sir_.” JARVIS replied instantly. The team froze.

“...I didn’t give you this sort of sense of humour.” Tony breathed.

“ _I am being entirely serious, sir. Mr Rogers appears to have woken up in this state. After trying to see his reflection he tried to inhale the scent of his bath salts in an effort I believe to determine the reality of his situation. He is currently struggling to breathe_.”

The screech of stools and shoes was his reply.

The trio rushed through Steve’s room and barged into the bathroom in a tangle of limbs, knocking Steve with the door in the process. A breathless squeak escaped him and he met the tiled floor, and they panicked.

“Get him on the bed!” Natasha shouted, and wildly lifted him herself. Clint and Tony looked between each other and Steve’s tiny limp body without understanding, and rushed after Natasha. She dumped him on the bed and backed away as if he was diseased, and they stared as Steve came around.

Steve groaned and coughed lightly, swallowing to try rid his throat of the scratchiness. He blinked tiredly at his team mates, and blushed heavily at their huge eyes. “Guys, I think...I think something is—is...very wrong.” 

They nodded.

Tony blinked rapidly. “Should er, do you need a pill? You’re-you’re snotting over everything.”

Clint nodded, eyes in a widening-contest with Tony. “In record time too.”

Natasha held up a hand and rushed into the bathroom. She rummaged for a few moments, before rushing back with a small cup of water and a handful of pills. “Here,” she waited as Steve pushed himself up right, enough to take the pill, then took the cup when he was done. She held it awkwardly, then tore her eyes away from his bony body and pushed against the other male’s chests. “Let’s er...give Steve a moment.” 

The trio made their way out slowly, glancing back at Steve as if he would suddenly pop back into his buff shape. They walked woodenly into the lounge area, and sat down quietly for a good fifteen minutes before Natasha spoke.

“We can’t tell anyone. Not until we know something about what has happened.” 

“Science isn’t exactly our specialty.” Clint said quietly, glancing at Tony. The billionaire raised his hands. “I’d have to read up a lot first.”

They went silent again, all internally debating whether or not to call up Fury, until Steve appeared, catching even Natasha off guard.

He was pink faced, his nose and eyes were red, and he had a bunch of toilet paper in is hand bigger than the bunch of hair on his head. “Look, I think I need another pill. My allergies can really get—” he stopped in mid-sentence and stared blankly.

Natasha inclined towards him. “Steve?” 

None of them were fast enough to anticipate Steve falling over. They scrambled up as he hit the floor and circled him.

“Shit! What’s wrong with you two? If I had the reflexes of a slutty cat I’d’ve caught him.” Tony hissed.

“Does _Hawk_ and Black _Widow_ sound like _cat_ to you?” Clint grunted, then took the turn to lift Steve. He was unconscious, but he had been before he hit the floor. He turned to Tony. “Here.”

“What”

“Take him.”

“No, give him to Natasha.”

“Stark he weighs less than a beginner’s dumbbell. You’re Iron Man—”

“You know I have a thing about being handed stuff.”

“He’s not ‘stuff’, he’s a person.”

“Yeah that’s just making it a whole lot weirder. Now get off my back about it before you poop, Hawkeye.”

“You’re not funny.”

“Oh for Gods sake.” Natasha took Steve from Clint and carried him back to the room where she laid him more carefully on the bed. Tony and Clint drifted behind her.

“I saw the pictures, but he brings being puny to a whole new level.” Clint said. 

“I’ve taken tampons bigger than him.” Natasha chuckled without humour, and ran a hand over his forehead.

“Me too.” Tony sighed. Clint shot him an unimpressed look. 

Natasha inhaled deeply and pushed her hair back out of her face. She gestured for them to leave the room. “Let’s calm down. At least he’s alive.” They walked out.

“So far.” Clint muttered with Steve’s coughing in mind.

“My friends, is someone ill?”

The trio jumped and turned to see Thor. Tony immediately stuttered. “No.”

Thor frowned at the odd looks on their faces, then frowned more. “Ah. ...What are tampons?”

“...No.” Tony whispered.

Behind them Steve groaned loudly, and Thor stiffened at the pained tone.

“Did you hear that? It’s Steven, he’s hurt!” He pushed past them, ignoring their weaker hands as they shouted incoherently at him and tried to keep him from aiding his friend.

Thor barged into Steve’s quarters and stopped dead. Steve was trying to sit up, pawing at a visible bump on the back of his head.

“Odin’s beard.” Thor breathed. The team hovered nervously behind him, and Steve looked up.

“I think I have a...Thor.”

“What is this sorcery?”

Natasha cringed. “We don’t know.”

Clint made towards Steve. “Yeah he just—” 

“NO STEP BACK.” Thor swung his arm out, nearly catching Clint in the chest. The Earth agents scrambled back as Thor took up a defensive stance in front of Steve.

“Hey man!” Clint whined.

“He is at Death’s door! Steven you must rest.” Thor demanded, and leaned threateningly over Steve.

“I am just a little wheezy—” Steve replied weakly, and tried to rise. 

“NO! Stay there.” Thor pushed him down on his back, “You must preserve your energy, your life thread is but a hair string!”

Natasha looked like she was ready to run and grab Steve from under Thor’s bulk, Clint was glaring at Thor and Tony was rubbing his temples. “Look Thor we can’t tell anyone. Unless we want our enemies to attack, or SHIELD to come cart Cap away.”

“No. No one is removing him from this tower while I am here.” Thor stated, turned to hulk at them, but keeping on the perimeters of Steve’s bed, that looked like an ocean around him. 

“...And I believe that. So calm down, we can’t all panic.” 

Thor looked him up and down. “You’re not panicking.”

“I am screaming internally right now, I’m just a talented faker.”

Behind them Steve tried to get up again. “Steven.” Thor growled in warning. 

“I need water.” Steve argued irritably

Natasha ran out. “I’ll get it.”

“Down, please, until we can fix this.” Thor begged, making Steve look helplessly at Tony and Clint who couldn’t stop Thor even if they tried.

Clint shifted besides Tony. “ _Can_ it be fixed? I mean, information on the serum is sort of in... _short_ supply.”

Steve seemed to get it, and Tony sighed loudly. “...I am laughing on the inside right now, it’ll show up in queue.”

Steve bristled. “I—”

“Hush.” Thor covered Steve’s face with one hand and pressed him down.

Natasha then returned with a glass of water, and raised her voice. “Okay look we’re crowding him. He needs all the oxygen he can get.” Surprisingly Thor leaned away, but he leaned right back when Natasha tried to help Steve up to drink his water.

“I’ll help—”

“No, I can—”

Steve groaned loudly and stuck out his hands to them both. “Could you all just leave it and go? I can drink water on my own.” His tone left no room for argument, it was his commanding voice. They relented, Thor too, and headed out in an awkward silence. Once they were back in the lounge Thor spoke.

“We must help him.”

“Help who?”

The team looked up to meet Bruce. They looked weary to him, and he paused, his mug half way to his face.

“What?”

Natasha glanced around, but only Thor looked at her as if she should keep her mouth shut. “There’s a problem with Steve.”

“...Uh huh?” Bruce lowered is mug and looked around for more of an explanation.

Clint glanced around. “Should we show him?”

“No!” Thor stepped forward with a raised palm. “I am sorry, brother Banner, but I cannot allow your hidden beast near Steven at present. Do not force me to take up arms.”

Bruce stared at the Asgardian, as Tony and Clint wanted to blush in embarrassment on his behalf. Bruce again looked around for an explanation as if Thor hadn’t spoken.

Tony sucked in a breath before detailing the bizarre occurrence. “Capsicle kind of…melted into an icicle.”

Bruce frowned at him, and Natasha added in. “Steve has...deflated. Back to how he was previous to the serum.”

“Are you saying he lost his strength and size?” Bruce asked, a disbelieving smile on his face.

Clint folded his arms. “Everything. He could fit into Thor’s shoe box.”

Bruce’s face became serious and he put his coffee on an end table. “...I should—”

Thor stepped forward. “NO! Please, don’t make me—”

Bruce held up his hands to Thor, and looked at the others. “It is physically impossible for him to have—have just reverted. The serum amplified him once off, it’s not a lingering substance to wear off. Realistically it’s not possible, at least not out of the blue.”

“What about magically? Where is Loki?” Natasha asked, and everyone shot a unified look at Thor.

“...I’ll return shortly.” Thor mumbled, and reached his hand out with a determined look in his eyes. A soft ringing filled their ears, followed by a loud crash as Mjölnir broke through two walls and the TV hanging on the wall. Tony made a strangled noise, and Thor ended the torment by crashing out the nearest windowed wall. 

The team stared after him, and Clint patted Tony on the back.

Bruce turned to Natasha. “Can I see him now?”

She nodded and gestured for Bruce to follow her. Clint pulled Tony along with them, lifting his gaze to Bruce. “Just move slowly, who knows how slow his senses are.”

Bruce shot him a look as they entered back into Steve’s room, but it was empty. 

“Shit! We lost him!” Tony cried, and swirled to scan the room.

Everyone but Clint followed his example. “He’s not Bilbo, he must be here somewhere.”

“Then find him, Legolas.” Tony shot back.

“ _He is heading to the kitchen_.” JARVIS said. They rushed out of the room, Natasha and Tony leading, and came around a corner just in time to find Steve trudging in from the opposite end. Their ruckus and speed gave said male a fright and he looked up, missing the one step down into the kitchen area and sailed back to the tiled floors.

“Shit!” Steve cried himself this time, landing on his left side. He turned to look back at the step that suddenly looked a lot higher than he remembered it.

Tony cringed as they hurried to his side, and looked down at him. “I’m going to agree with Thor, you shouldn’t leave the bed.”

Bruce removed his glasses and gawked, and Steve blushed when he realised he had another witness. “...Shit.”

Steve pointed with a shaky hand, and attempted to keep his voice steady. “That stair is higher than I remember it.” Lifting his hand brought their attention to a cut on his elbow and a few bruises that were blossoming. 

“Thor is going to kill us.” Tony said, matter-of-factly.

“I am fine guys! It’s just a cut—”

“And you are not a super soldier anymore. Let me take a look.” Bruce said, and lifted Steve from the floor with careful movement. They helped him up onto a stool, and Bruce started giving him a quick examination. Steve seemed to be okay, he wasn’t dying, but he wasn’t exactly safe to be falling all over the place either.

“ _Sir, Agent Coulson_.” JARVIS warned, and the team jumped.

“What?!” Tony cried, then straightened and gestured for the others to stand besides him to shield Steve just as Coulson turned into the room.

Coulson smiled widely, “Good morning all.”

Natasha smiled convincingly, but her comrades weren’t as good. “Agent Coulson, good to see you up and about around your new little team.”

“Thank you.” Coulson looked around eagerly. “So, where is the birthday boy? Did Thor take him out while you set up? I bought wine.” He lifted the bottle in his hand.

Steve groaned silently as the team shared confused looks. Coulson frowned at them. “It’s his birthday? I’ve read everyone’s files you know. I know he didn’t want a big party but...okay what’s going on?”

None of them said a thing, and after a moment Steve stepped out from their body shields. He stood at his tallest and ignored the weird sensations of bruises. “Agent Coulson.” 

The team looked at him as if he were mad, then back to Coulson that did a double take, then dropped his wine with a loud crash. “...I...I’m not sure...what...”

Tony smiled awkwardly as Coulson stared, horrified. “Steve’s serum juices disappeared overnight.”

Coulson blinked harshly, stepping back and forward as if somehow pushed back each time. “What? What happened? How-? _What_?!”

Bruce sighed. “If I can just examine him—”

“Examine? You need to find a way to change him back! What are you all standing around for?!” Coulson cried, startling them back into the counter table.

Bruce managed to keep his nerve and laughed nervously. “Agent Colson you want _me_ to fiddle with the same chemicals that made the Other—”

“Yeah that’s a bit dangerous, we can’t just—” Tony started but Coulson held up a finger to him.

“What, are you deaf? He’s disappearing! Do something before it’s too late! You’re two geniuses, figure it out! Oh God, I need to get to Fitz and Simmons...” 

Natasha held out a hand, “Phil, calm down.”

“No! I will not calm down! ...I will fix this...” Coulson then ran out, before anyone’s shock could dissolve enough to even try stop him.

They all stared silently after him. Tony scratched his head, staring at the broken glass and spilt wine. “Does anyone else feel like they witnessed something they shouldn’t have? Dum-E, clean this up!”

Steve was nearly jumping on the spot. “He’ll tell Fury!” he cried, and took off in Coulson’s direction. The team cried out as he went, successfully jumping over the danger of the glass—only to run into Tony’s robot. He was no match for the metal and with a dazed wave once more met the floor in a flail of limbs.

Clint nodded. “I am not going to be here when Thor returns.”

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

A while later Steve came around, and woke to the sight of Bruce’s face. The scientist smiled. “Hey. How do you feel?”

“...Sore.” Steve answered honestly.

“Toy Soldier is awake! Hey big guy.” Tony’s voice came from the side and he turned, finding Tony’s smile.

“...Don’t call me that. How long was I out for?” Steve groaned.

“An hour, maybe two, or three, nothing big.”

Steve ignored the look on his face, and gave his attention to his surroundings. “...Why am I in a machine?”

“We wanted to check your vitals.” Bruce said.

“Look I know I don’t look like much but I am fine! I—” His body decided to contradict him and he started coughing violently, the threatening of a sneeze building up.

Tony turned. “I’ll get the cough mixture.”

Bruce grabbed his arm. “No! We can’t administer him medicine, we don’t know how his body will react.”

Tony looked between Steve and Bruce. “…Well it can’t get any worse.”

“Shut up Tony!” Steve shot, and fought his way off the table. He batted away Bruce’s hands and Tony’s attempts.

“I wouldn’t—”

“I can manage on my own.” He insisted, and saw he was covered in bandages. He sneezed again and pushed away from the machine and stalked out of Bruce’s work room. He felt a slight pang of hunger, but all he wanted was to get back in bed and think.

Coming up behind him Tony grabbed his elbow and started to wedge something cool up his arm. Steve whined and tried to pull away but this time the guy wasn’t having it. He was faster and stronger than Steve, and forced two attachments onto him on either arm, and when done he clapped his hands and gave an encouraging smile. Steve stood stiffly, arms held out a little.

“What are these?”

“They’ll help if you fall again.”

Steve gave him a tired look, and turned and walked away towards the communal areas. Tony followed after slowly, and Bruce came up behind him.

“...Are those children’s floaters for swimming?” 

Tony made a non committal sound and they found Steve in the lounge, heading for the couch, when suddenly the wall gave in and rubble burst everywhere from a large hole. 

Thor landed inside, brushing his hair from his face and nodded in greeting to Tony and Bruce that gaped at him and the floating dust. And the missing Bilbo.

“I have returned. I cannot find Loki. He was at none of his hideouts.” Thor announced, and squinted at the looks on their faces. “What? Where is Steven?”

Tony looked amount Thor’s feet. “Between a rock and a hard place.” 

Just then the scatter of rubble began to move and Steve groaned. Thor jumped aside like an elephant to a mouse and Bruce rushed to pull Steve to his feet.

Thor took to gaping too and shot Tony a glare. “Why isn’t he in bed? I could have killed him!”

“You could have killed any of us! You killed my TV, a window, and now another wall.”

Bruce made an irritable sound and lifted a hand around trying to dust off Steve who was coughing again. “I need to get him—”

“No, I’ll—” Thor stepped forward, just as Coulson stepped in the room

“What the hell is—…what...”

Tony threw his arms out. “He’s okay!” he squinted at Steve worriedly. “Aren’t you?”

Steve looked dazed and spat bits of sand from his mouth, flopping in Bruce’s hands. “I—I’m fine just...dirty.” 

Coulson stared at Steve and his swimming trainer bands. “Are those from the pool?”

Steve blinked. “What?”

Tony shrugged, unashamed. “Yeah.”

“...There should be on his legs and waist too, what’s wrong with you? Never mind. I’ll go get them. Someone feed him! He looks smaller.” Coulson ordered before running out again.

“What, wait? Did you—and he’s gone... And people call me rude.” Tony pursed his lips. Steve started coughing violently then, alarming them.

“It’s the dust, nice work, Thor.” Bruce shot him a look and waved away the dust. “He needs a bath.”

“I suggest a shower, he might drown in a tub.” Tony said.

Thor reached for Steve. “Then I shall assist him.”

Tony batted his hands away. “ _You’ll_ break him.”

Bruce raised a brow at Tony. “ _You’ll_ drop him.”

“You’ll _eat_ him.”

Coulson returned just as Bruce opened his mouth, and held up a single plastic floater, big enough for a waist. They didn’t keep any as they could all swim, so the ones they did have were old and just around for decoration. “Here.”

Bruce pulled a face on Steve’s behalf. “I don’t think—”

“I’ll shoot you all.” Coulson promised, serious enough to back them all away, leaving Steve to sigh and resist weakly as Coulson attacked him.

“Phil, it’s not necessary—” He tried, but Coulson was determined and easily slipped the air filled band around his tiny waist.

“There, safe. You’re filthy.” Coulson noted.

Tony laughed. “Well he can bath now without drowning.”

“This isn’t funny!” Steve shouted, and turned to storm away with as much anger as possible, and twisted his ankle two steps away on a large hunk of concrete, and tasted the floor.

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

The next time Steve woke up, he was genuinely surprised he did. His head was aching, his stomach was growling and the rest of his body was thrumming with bruises. He could feel a bandage on his head this time, and found their female company at his right. “…Natasha?”

“Hey stud.” She smiled.

“Am I still small?” he asked sadly.

“…Adorably and frighteningly so. The guys are panicking. Coulson has been in and out a few times to check on you, we had to have JARVIS keep us informed of where his hands were.”

“Funny...” Steve blushed, and sniffed, his nose stuffy, but his body hungry enough to pick up the smell of something juicy. “Is that food?”

“Yeah, Tony ordered out.”

“Is it dinner time?” he asked, and realised he hadn’t had a single meal today.

“Not yet, somewhere in the middle. But it’s been a crazy day, food usually keeps them distracted.” She said, and they jumped at the sound of Coulson raising his voice nearby. She sighed. “Well, most of them.”

Steve groaned, and got up to see the commotion. He refused Natasha’s suggestions to stay put, and wandered out towards the noise and food. He briefly noticed the plastic floating band around his waist was gone (the arm ones remained) and he was still in his sleeping shorts and a shirt way too huge for him.

The food and commotion was in the lounge, where a huge hole sat on one side, a broken window the other, and a smashed TV on the far side. Coulson was stalking around in a circle, glowering intimidatingly. 

“How can there be no cure! Look harder!”

Bruce was on a seat rubbing his hands over his face, looking frustrated and downright agitated. Everyone looked worried on some degree about the Other Guy making an appearance, besides Coulson who was ranting. “There is nothing to cure! I can’t find anything—”

“Well try harder—!”

“Shouting at the rage monster’s master isn’t a good idea—Steve.” Tony shifted, and everyone turned to stare.

“Run Steve, before they tackle you into bed.” Clint said.

Steve sighed at their array of faces and held a hand up, wincing at the pull of bandages. “Guys please, I am fine.”

“OH GOD!” Coulson suddenly screamed, making everyone jump.

Steve flinched, “What?”

Coulson was gesturing to him in an up and down manner. “You’re waning away! Look at you! It’s happening right before my eyes! I can’t even—I’m alerting—”

Bruce stood. “Coulson look, this isn’t a small problem to fix over night.”

“Looks small enough.” Clint mumbled, and a soft grumble filled the room, but no one else had opened their mouths.

Steve went red as the sound drew the attention back to him. Tony raised a brow. “Was that you?”

“I didn’t get to eat today thanks to you all.” Steve stated cockily, and suddenly there was a wild flash of movement and colour that made him wish he kept his mouth shut.

“MOVE ASIDE”

“On the chair?!”

“Get a slice!”

“Grab his legs!”

“No, a _small_ small slice!”

“That’s his arms!”

“But—?!”

“His stomach is tiny!”

“What’s a tampon?!”

A minute later Steve was sitting on Tony’s couch with a piece of pizza, chewing awkwardly as the rest hovered about and watched him as if he was in danger of choking. He did his best to ignore them, especially Coulson and Thor, and cleared his throat around bites. “Does anyone have pain killers?”

In response the team took a moment to acknowledge the amount of bandages he was in. Natasha looked around. “We’ve destroyed him.”

Tony wagged a finger. “I blame all of you.” Immediately there was outrage and retorts, but Steve was tired, and he was done.

“Guys, guys, GUYS!” he shouted, “It’s my own fault. I forgot what it’s like being...fragile. I was rough with myself, I didn’t even know how to direct you. It’s my fault.”

Everyone was dead silent—except Tony. “If you hear that out of context it sounds like a porno.”

Clint scowled at him. “Oh for God’s sake Tony. He is an AIDS patient, look at him!”

“Oh and your jokes are any better—was that a pun?”

“Enough! You will hurt his ears!” Thor bellowed, waving his arm at the duo.

Coulson stepped forward closer to Steve, even though Thor was a few feet away. “Don’t swing that arm at him! You could knock him out!”

Clint chuckled. “You just want to be the one with him when he’s alone and unconscious.”

“What?”

Tony giggled. “Shots fired.”

Coulson turned to him with a brow arching to the Bifrost. “You’re one to talk. We all know you want his _Capsicle_.”

Thor frowned, as everyone else groaned. “What’s a capsicle?”

Steve put down his slice of pizza. “I regret catching onto slang. I am going to bath.”

“What’s going on here?”

The entire room froze at the sudden appearance of Nick Fury. Bruce stood, and wrung his hands. “There is something wrong with Steve.”

Coulson seemed to relax a little, “Very wrong.”

Natasha stepped forward besides them. “We don’t know what happened sir. But we can’t let this get out.”

As everyone looked wearily between each other and Fury, who was staring at Steve, Clint cracked a smile. “I can bet it has been a while since Steve’s been the damsel in distress.”

“Too soon.” Tony whispered.

Natasha rolled her eyes, and carried on. “If it gets to our enemies they could strike.” 

“ _Mr. Stark, Agent Fury has just arrived_.” JARVIS announced, and Tony gave the ceiling a quizzical look.

Steve shifted in his seat, gaining Fury’s eye. “With all due respect sir, everyone, I’d like to shower and go sleep. I physically can’t keep my eyes open.”

After a moment of silence and held breaths, Fury nodded. “Alright. I’ll help you with that. Maybe tuck you in.”

Every pair of eyes fell onto Fury. Steve sat back, staring until his eye lids might snap, and suddenly wanted to reach for Thor.

Fury stepped forward, and everyone stepped back. “You all have done enough for today. Good job. I’ll take it from here.” He said, he turned to stare down Steve. “Rogers—” 

Suddenly a literal shot fired and Fury flinched, and dropped down onto his knees, leaving an exact replica behind him. The team stepped another foot back, reaching for their weapons and ready to throw themselves in front of Steve, when the second Fury widened his eye at them. “What the _HELL_ is going on?”

“Just a bit of fun.” Came a snarky response from the floor, and a few guns followed it to see Loki kneeling with a stupid grin on his face.

Thor was the first to react. “LOKI!” he cried, and jumped up to his feet, taking the coffee table and its contents with him. The table flipped, covering Steve in food and drink and a knock on the nose. No one knew what to do, Thor looked stuck in place, even Fury gaped as Steve sat paralysed, soaking in cola and pepperoni. A burst of mischievous laughter started from somewhere near the floor, and everyone stared at Steve helplessly.

“That’s it! Everyone out!” Coulson yelled, pointing viciously at the door.

“This is my tower.” Tony mumbled.

Fury stepped forward around Loki. “Can someone please explain to me—”

“Was this you?” Natasha asked Loki, who was laughing himself sick at Steve. He nodded around his laughs, and Thor growled. He marched forward and lifted Loki from the floor.

“Loki this isn’t nice!”

“It’s not my fault you trolls squashed him!” Loki retorted, and fought off Thor’s hands as Clint helped Steve up, and Natasha tried to brush the food off of his face and check it for injury.

“Sir, I...” a new voice came from the hallway and everyone stopped to look at him. In came Bucky, and Steve perked. The room’s tension heightened, but Bucky had been cleared and rehabilitated in SHIELD for months now. His mind was still a little frazzled and he suffered realistic flashbacks now and then, but nothing violent. Or _not yet_ , as Tony put it.

“Bucky?” 

Fury sighed and gestured Bucky closer. “Happy Birthday Rogers, I brought you a friend.”

Bucky stared, horrified, as Steve struggled to stand on his own from Clint. “What...” he looked Steve up and down, bandaged to bandage. No one else seemed to exist to him. “...I keep telling you not to leave the house!”

“Bucky—” Steve flushed red, looking humiliated, and recalled those words as if it was just yesterday he and Bucky were two ordinary guys.

Hurriedly Bucky rushed to grab Steve. Fury waved everyone down, and they watched in alarm, and guilt, as Bucky poked at all his recent injuries. “Look at you! Who did this? I’ll beat him until he’s crying in his mother’s lap! I told you not to go outside, Steve! The pavement is uneven! And its coming spring! You’ll never survive your allergies! I’m assigning you to bed rest, soldier.”

“But—Loki could just—”

“Shh, you’re speaking out of delusions.” Bucky squashed Steve to his chest to cuddle him, food and all. Then without warning he hauled Steve up over his shoulder like he weighed nothing and slapped his rear, enticing a mixed array of reactions. Thor and Coulson looked outraged. Clint and Natasha were trying not to smile. Tony and Bruce were sharing a ‘Is he dangerous’ look and Loki was outright grinning. 

Bucky had often used his power against him when he was still small, and while Steve had once grown to crave it, it was embarrassing with witnesses. He squirmed on his shoulder, his face red.

“Say goodnight.” Bucky suggested before walking off with Steve, knowing where his room was from earlier visits on good behaviour, and yet under the impression they were in Steve’s house.

Thor hesitated and reached to stop him, but Loki held him back and leaned into him, and looked around as if he performed a miracle.

“...Well that was fun.”

Fury finally gave Loki a glare. “What did you do to Rogers? He looks like he was dragged out of a damn concentration camp! I told you that if—”

Loki made a rude dismissive sound and flapped his hand. “He’s fine! It’ll wear off in exactly 30 hours from 3 AM this morning.”

Natasha shot him a glower. “You call this fun? He could have died from this.”

“He is filled with my magic. Thor could sit on him and he’d survive!”

“Not that Thor didn’t try.” Tony added.

Fury glared around at the stupidity of the team for not alerting him earlier, when he blinked towards the room. “Were those kiddie floaters?”

Tony squinted at Loki, his question far more relative in his mind. “Did you try to take Steve bathing disguised as Fury?” Loki shrugged not-so-innocently, and a humourless laugh came from Coulson as he saw his reflection in a window.

“Okay who stuck this on my back?” Stuck on his back was a page with ‘Hobbit lover’ sprawled on it.

Bruce frowned at their priorities. “...Is Bucky mentally equipped to be alone with Steve when he’s so…helpless? I mean weren’t they also once...close?”

The team stared at one another for a second, before a desperate cry of help and embarrassment echoed from Steve’s room set them racing. Thor, Coulson, Clint and Natasha fought to get there first, leaving Tony, Bruce and Fury to look at Loki, who was grinning. “What? I thought Rogers would like to be doted on upon his day of birth. 

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

**Author's Note:**

> Steve is hot property. And no one even got to say Happy Birthday. Besides Fury, which is unexpected XD


End file.
